Why I Hate Facebook

In large part, it's the faces themselves. You see, I hate ugly people and I have a lot of ugly friends. Most of the time, I keep my hatred in check by avoiding socializing and spend my time watching movies featuring gorgeous stars, then reading about these stars on the internet. This worked quite well until one day a stray click took me from Selma Hayek to Jane McFugly. Every time I log on to the site, I'm bombarded by the imperfect visages of regular everyday people. Now, some puritanical wiseacres are going to accuse me of pride here, but I'm eat their Calvinist hats and say that this total depravity of the countenance is universal. I'm not an especially good-looking dude, and thanks to limited facial atonement, I have no choice but to remain outside those elected to photogenicism. My own mug is as ugly as all the others.

Secondly, there's the updates. As Samuel Beckett once said, "As a display of human boredom, there is no measuring stick so accurate as Facebook." You had chicken for dinner? You better have forgotten to include the word "zombie" before "chicken". Your one-year-old needs a diaper changed? Tell me after you install that upgrade that allows olfactory enhancements. You've played "I Bleed Freely When I Love" by The Narcissist Brigade 2359 times since she left you? Have the hairdresser cut both sides of your hair to the same length and maybe your life will suddenly get a whole lot better.

Finally, there are the ridiculous expectations that Facebook gives people. You ask me point blank whether or not I'm willing to be your friend. You expect me to remember your birthday and post a greeting. You see me in person and expect me to know that you ate zombie chicken for dinner last night and to realize that you're just forgetful and not boring as all get out. And there are the major life decisions and heinous crimes you expect me to undertake with the click of a mouse button. Set up my farm next to yours? Join your mafia family? At least send me a personalized message and not the same generic two-sentence email that 50 other potential goons received. Perhaps worst of all are the relationship requests. I lost count somewhere, but I believe that over 40 different females have requested my consent to relational statuses ranging from "in an open relationship" to "married". There's only so much of me to go around, and right now, it's not going around at all, especially to ugly, hateful website using cretins like you.