Wednesday, April 7, 2010

America, I Love You...

But you're bloody retarded. I will not apologize for using that word. It means "slow," particularly with respect to mental processing. No one thinks in good faith that this is a good thing. Last night, Michael Lynche, epically talented soul troubadour, received the fewest votes of any American Idol contestant after an entirely original take on the Beatles' classic Eleanor Rigby. The contestants receiving more votes included prepubescent mike-swiveling balladeer orphan Aaron Kelly, sub-Nickelback constipator Lee DeWyze, and chops enough to land the role of Knight #2 in Millard Fillmore High School Presents Camelot Tim Urban, who needs an awkward lecture from his father on the facts of life before he ever attempts "Under My Thumb" again.

I confess that I'm old and I don't understand the music that kids like these days. Kids, what do you look for in a song? The expressive power of the vocalist? The wit of the lyrics? Hooky arrangements? The musical conversation of the ensemble? Agoodbeatandyoucandancetoit? Your music is strange and impenetrable to me. I cannot fathom the depths present in the music of a Tim Urban or a Justin Bieber. The fault is mine, not yours. Next week, regardless of my feelings, I too will vote for Tim Urban in the hopes that one day, enlightenment shall come.

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