Harvard Attains 0% Acceptance Rate

On March 31, 2010, the traditional announcement day for selective college admissions decisions, Harvard University gave the expected report that this year saw a record number of applicants and a record low rate of acceptance. Just how low came as a bit of a shock.

"Considering the relative strength of the applicant pool, the university's endowment, and the importance of maintaining our place at the top of the US News Rankings, we decided not to admit anyone this year," says Barrington Forsyth, director of undergraduate admissions for the university. "We believe that this decision is in the best interest of faculty, staff, current students and rejected applicants, who are welcome to reapply next year."

When asked if this policy would continue into the future, Forsyth was ambiguous, "Well, the faculty are thrilled. They hate teaching those [expletive] undergrads. Current students and alumni are happy; this just enhances the prestige of their degrees. And the endowment makes enough on its own that the revenue from tuition is barely relevant. We won't determine future policy until next January, but again, I invite all rejected applicants to reapply next year."

Public outcry has already begun. Anticipating the worst from disappointed students, Walnut Hills High School principal JBro has called in extra police officers and psychiatric nurses, and has erected temporary 12 foot fences around many of the school's higher ledges. His students however, seem less than concerned. "Eh, no big deal," said one young man who had been rejected. "I've heard that the chicks at Brown put out more anyway."

Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin had her own take on the matter. "This just proves once again that academic elites can't be trusted to do anything right here in America, and we give people what they deserve based on their accomplishments and character because if my daughter Bristol had gotten in, I wouldn't have let her consider it where I know that the sexual values are not ours."

Also today, the Harvard alumni office reported a 75% unemployment rate among 2009 graduates.